I think I am pre menopausal. No, let me rephrase that. I KNOW that I am pre menopausal. If the fact that I fantasize about strangling my unsuspecting family as they lie sleeping in their beds is any clue, then yes, I am pre menopausal. Shoot, maybe I am not "pre" at all, perhaps it is FULL BLOWN menopause. Take into consideration the fact that I wake up all through the night absolutely soaked in sweat, alternating between freezing and boiling internally.
And then, there is that horrible little flaw of mine. The one that wants to chase certain Wal Mart shoppers down with an oversized zucchini and beat some common sense into them. Lord have mercy. I can't tell you how many times in one day I WISH that some annoying customer would find themselves standing directly UNDER one of Wal Mart's "falling prices."
Such was the case yesterday as I sampled my wares. I am standing there, hoping that someone will take an interest in the Smoky Barbecue Wheat Thins that I am hawking when a loud voice bellows, "Make way! Speed Racer's coming!" Startled, I look up to see the man who had made the announcement. He stood there in the center of the aisle, his large silver belt buckle cutting into the beer gut that hung over his Levi's. He wore a dirty white t-shirt and a baseball cap sat atop his head.
About that time, rounding the corner, "Speed Racer" came into view. This fella wasn't a whole lot better off than his announcer. He was in one of those motorized scooter thingies. And, from the looks of it, had no valid reason for operating one in the fist place!
He rolls up to my cart and says, "So what do you have here?" I promptly recite to him the scripted pitch as he reaches under the sneeze guard to retrieve some Wheat Thins. It is then that I hear his friend, who had previously heralded his arrival yell out, yet again, "Aaahhh, leave that alone! You can't even chew..........you aint got no teeth!" With that, "Speed Racer" put it in high gear and split.
Oh dear Lord!! Surely you have landed me in this place for some reason other than earning Sam Walton an extra buck. Perhaps it is patience and long suffering that God is intending to teach me.
My patience was put to the test once again later in the day when I hear a very large man barking orders to his tiny, frail grandmother. I glared at him, he didn't see me, too intent was he upon getting granny to do his bidding. Later, I return to my cart to find Grandma loitering there. She explains to me that her grandson does not want her wandering around the store while he shops because he does not want her to buy anything. Astounded, I am prepared to tell her just what I think of her brutish grandson's treatment of her, when, down the aisle, howling at the top of his lungs calling for gram's, lumbers said bully. Grandma scampers off after him as I shoot him a look that would wilt lettuce.
All I could think about was the fact that if that were ME treating MY mother or grandmother in that manner, I would find myself traveling from the produce department to the electronics department at the speed of light.........with a tatoo of my mother's handprint on the side of my face for dramatic affect.
Sheesh!! What is this world coming to? I see a lot from my little Wal Mart cart, some of which I would rather not ever have to see, but then again, there are scenes that warm the heart. For instance, the elderly couple walking,still holding hands, in love after all these years. Or the young mother, talking to her baby sitting in the seat of the cart as she shops, the dad shopping alone with all of his kids as they run around sucking on suckers he has purchased to keep them quiet and compliant. And then there is the family that comes in every week with their down syndrome son, his hair neatly combed, parted on the side, all spit polished and neat as a pin, and he, with that ever present smile...........
You see, there ARE positive things besides the lowest prices of any retail market to be found at Wal Mart.
So,today, I prepare to set up my cart of "bright ideas" yet once again. And if you dare backtalk your little grandma, I be comin' after you with a large vegetable. =)
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