As my forty fifth birthday approaches I realize that I am officially old. Oh yeah, the old gray mare she aint what she used to be. Nope, she's sway backed, knock kneed, long in the tooth and in dire need of a new pair of shoes. If you were raised around horses you were most likely warned to not venture too close to a horses backside for fear of being kicked..........well, I would advise you not to venture too close to mine either, and for a whole different set of possible circumstances.
My body is officially breaking down! I am WAY past my child bearing years. That's right. My uteris has shriveled to the size of a deflated balloon and my ovaries look like two forlorn, dried up raisins. Every once in a while my hubby and I will look at each other and say, "We're fixed! We can't have babies! Yay!" At that point we high five each other and celebrate. NO MORE BABIES! Been there, done that...............and didn't entirely enjoy it. No sirree, I love it that I am old! I love it that I find men in plaid golf shorts, black sandals and white knee sock attractive, and that I enjoy going fifty in the fast lane, and that my children are no longer children anymore! I want them to succeed in life and make a boatload of money so that they can keep me in depends and dentures!! Oh yes, Im gonna live the high life while I'm old!
All except for the hot flashes of course. At odd times I will commence ripping off every stitch of clothing on my body, run around the house opening up all the windows, flapping my arms wildly in an attempt to generate some air. I usually end up in my bedroom, standing in front of a fan and guzzling iced tea. Once the hot flash passes I find myself shivering, stepping into a hot shower, only to don my warm fuzzy jammies and wait for it to happen all over again. This is called MENOPAUSE!
Menopause. What a word. It is something that women everywhere fear daily. I however, embrace it. It has it's downsides though. I mean, is it normal for me to actually WANT to wear moo moos and Birkenstocks with white socks? Or to imagine my family stranded on a desert island while I run naked on the beach, the wind gently blowing my hair with a virgin strawberry daiquiri in my hand? Or that I envision spiking their drinks with a concoction of Benadryl and ground up Tylenol P.M. to render them helpless while I go to the mall? Or that I sometimes dream of seeing their faces on milk cartons with a message that reads "Have you seen me?" and awake with a smile on my face? Oh good Lord that is awful!! But, I blame the menopause, and this too shall pass.
The effects to my body however shall not pass. My skin looks like something akin to mini blinds, only not nearly as firm. And I have no idea what my toes look like.........I can't SEE them. It stinks to look five months pregnant, when in reality, you are only carrying an In-N-Out double double with cheese, animal fries and a chocolate shake. I mean, I can just LOOK at a french fry and grow a dress size! What is up with that? And speaking of my toes, the last time I saw them, I lifted my flab six inches up, and a hard four inches to the right and gasped at what I saw. My toenails were turning a lovely shade of YELLOW!! What is happening? Me, the one who enjoys a lovely french pedicure from time to time has yellow toenails! God forbid! And this means that I cannot possibly do a french anymore! Who wants to sport yellow toenails with a white stripe? This calls for a nice, solid shade of pearl white on the tootsies. My Pastor would fall out in an apoplectic fit if he knew I wanted to paint my toenails white! But Pastor Keyes, It's for the good of the innocent onlookers. Anyone who sees my toenails will surely want to gauge out their eyes with sticks!! It is my civic duty to spare them. And my hair!! Oh, don't EVEN go there! My hair, my best feature is turning funny colors and turning loose too...........oh my.
Oh well, what can one do about getting old? Not a thing, so you may as well enjoy it. I look forward to the day that my hubby and I travel around in a motor home, stopping at Wal Mart along the way, eating at buffets and playing bingo in local High School gyms. And me, yeah you'll find me cruising down the highway in my easy chair in the back of the motor home, most likely naked, sipping on ensure, snacking on some apple sauce............but you can bet your boots I will have the most lovely blue hair and sparkly white toenails you have ever seen.
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